cake

-- from "things i made up to annoy my (ex)girlfriend"

i resolve 
that this world is nothing
but lady you are something
that i would like to keep
in a dress and smiling
in a dress and smiling

oh maybe you
can have your cake
and eat it too

i resolve 
that this world is nothing
but lady you are something
that i would love to keep
in an apron and smiling
in a dress and smiling

oh maybe you
can have your cake
and eat it too
('cause there is nothing i wouldn't do)

i resolve 
that this world is empty
but lady you have plenty
that i would love to keep
in a dress and smiling
in paris and smiling

oh maybe you
can have your cake
and eat it too

[ well, they weren't all meant to annoy her. ]

I know what you guys are thinking, Keye, you fucking wuss. Look, as you’ve probably surmised by now, I’ve had a lot of relationships with women — I’m not talking about fucking, because I’m not a fan of promiscuity, I’m talking about living with them or being married or something like that. But before you can be in a relationship with a woman, you have to know how to seduce one. And that means being nice, like the guy in the song. But not too nice. Trust me when I say that. For all my numerous flaws and failings, I really am an expert on seducing women. I suck at keeping them, but I’m really good at getting them. So is that all cake was then, part of a plot to seduce a woman? Actually, no.

I was on a trip to London, really missing this girl I lived with at the time, when I wandered into this shop and saw something that captured her perfectly: an apron that read, “At Harrods, you can have your cake and eat it too!”. There was a lady on it and the whole thing had a very 1950s vibe. I always thought I would have been better off living back then, but it’s probably not true. Anyway, I buy the apron for my career-minded roommate and give it to her when I get home. Well, she’s not only happy to see me after what felt like an eternity being apart, but my beautiful and thoughtful gift is just another in a long line of reasons why she can’t imagine life without me. That night she spent four hours cooking dinner in her new apron and you could tell the whole time that she was beaming with pride. When dinner was finished, we watched Secretary, which she said was the most romantic film she’d ever seen, and then we fell fast asleep after making love three times.

Yeah, I like the sound of that.