Things I meant to say

Taylor’s succinct depiction of me lecturing.

I’m writing this for my students, some of which are probably wondering where the fuck I went. On Monday October 2, a little while before my first class, two people came to my office and said that I was being placed on administrative leave due to complaints that my manner of communication was “unprofessional”. They explained that an investigation was required and that while it was ongoing I was not allowed to be at the university. They asked for my office keys and any other university property and told me to leave.

As far as I know, the investigation is still ongoing, which is weird, because it could have been concluded in under a minute. All they had to do was ask me. See, I’ve always said that “professional” is just a synonym for “artificial”, and seeing as how I have no desire to be artificial, it follows that I strive to be as unprofessional as possible. The more unprofessional you are, the more human you are. That’s one reason students enjoy my classes. In their own words, I’m so insane that it makes them feel comfortable to be themselves, to voice their opinions or thoughts, and to ask questions. The classes I teach are absolute free speech zones.

In my approach to teaching, which I affectionately refer to as “anarchy in the classroom”, there is no hierarchy. I’m not their boss and they’re not my subordinate. I ask them not to call me “Dr.” or “Professor” and strongly prefer to be addressed as “Keye”. I’m not there to be “respected”, I’m there to teach. If they don’t want to attend class, they don’t. If they want to tell me to go fuck myself, they do. Instead of assuming the worst about them, I assume the best. For instance, most professors assign homework on a regular basis and then grade it because they believe students won’t study otherwise. In my classes, the students and I make a deal. Homework is assigned but never graded. Everyone gets a 100 on every homework assignment and things stay that way as long as the class average on exams is good and they come to see me when they have questions. And they always do.

Based on stories I’ve heard about other classes at the university, I’m sure that a good number of faculty and administrators view me as a sort of eccentric troublemaking outsider that they want gone as soon as possible. You know, kind of a Dead Poet’s Society situation minus the suicide. And they’ll probably get their wish soon enough, but if so, I don’t want to leave without telling my students some things I meant to say this semester. If you want, you can think of them as the commandments for my own personal religion.

1. Learning from experience is the essence of bitterness.

Ever had your heart broken and then decided that all men/women were assholes? Well, if you still feel that way, congratulations, you’re bitter. If your insides are corrupted by bitterness, it might adversely affect your ability to create. Or it might make you extremely good at dark humor. But the real point of this one is to do everything you can to fight off bitterness. It’s bad for the soul.

2. Intelligence is the preoccupation of the unimaginative.

Intelligence is just a thing some people are good at faking, it’s not actually real. It can’t be measured and is at best just a perception that one person has about another. Like, if a person memorizes passages from a book and then gets hyped up on Adderall and runs around talking fast, most people will think they’re intelligent. But they’re not — they’re just on speed repeating some shit they read. Imagination, though, now that’s real. Some people will hear this and say “then stupid isn’t real either”. Wrong. Stupid is very real.

3. It takes a boring personality to persecute an eccentric one. 

Ever look at someone and think “He talks in maths…he’s like a detuned radio”? Well, the chances are good that you’re just fucking boring. But this commandment guarantees that you are boring.

4. The only unsolicited advice people ever offer is how you can be more like them. 

Ever have someone offer you advice that you didn’t ask for? Well, now you know why it always pisses you off so much.

5. Follow your instincts, and nature will take you on a ride that no one else has ever been on. The ride is likely to be a lot of fun, in which case a good number of people will dislike you intensely.  

As a case in point, some students threw me a surprise party in my office the day before I was placed on administrative leave. But in all seriousness, when people see someone having fun and living carefree, it usually pisses them off because humans have a weird tendency to enslave themselves by spending most of their lives doing things they hate.

6. To believe that another is not in need is to risk inhumanity.

A good friend of mine said to me one day “You know baby, when someone asks me for something, I always assume they wouldn’t be asking unless they really needed it, so if I have it, I give it to them.” That has stayed with me ever since.

7. There is a very good reason to be doing this: it’s fun. 

People who mistakenly believe themselves as mature think that fun is only for kids. If you’re not having fun, you’re already dead.

8. No one should be proud of having a balanced viewpoint on all matters, which is to say that no one should be proud to believe in nothing. Believe in something.

If you believe the Earth is flat, the moon landing never happened, space is fake, whatever, believe in something. But if you believe Oswald acted alone, you’re going directly to hell when you die, and not even this religion can save you.

9. Inhibition is the leading cause of death on the planet.

You know those things you believe in? Voice them, because that shit will kill you otherwise. Too often people are afraid to voice their beliefs for fear of retribution by some imagined power or authority figure. No one has power over you unless you give it to them. Trouble is, power is a contract whose existence is usually unknown to the supposed subordinate. And while on the topic of inhibition, don’t forget to rip into the occasional asshole, it relieves stress and prolongs life.

10. This item was judged harmful/inappropriate and removed by those that have your best interests in mind. 

That’s right, the most important commandment in this religion is the one that isn’t there.  It’s not just a warning against the dangers of censorship, it’s also a reminder to think for yourself. What did it say before it was removed? That’s up to you.

Anyway, I don’t know how many of you will see this, but I hope that you will share it with any student that was wondering about my disappearance. My university email account has been locked, so I couldn’t think of any other way to tell you what was going on. But you know, there is some comedy in all this, because I’m on administrative leave with pay, which means they’re paying me to stay home and write Substack articles about how much they suck.