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“guilt”

The holidays are about spending time with loved ones and helping those less fortunate than ourselves — except in America. In America, the holidays are a time for mass consumerism and insincere gestures towards people that we can’t stand. For instance, think about what a bitch your husband’s mother is. This Christmas, like every Christmas, you’ll do your best to get her something she hates, maybe an ugly sweater that she’d never wear. Well, the trouble with that sweater is that it won’t kill her, which means that next year you’ll have to repeat the same charade all over again. But what if there was a way to ensure that she doesn’t make it until next Christmas?

Enter The Keye Store. At The Keye Store, we sell literature and music that will virtually guarantee that cunt’s demise. Poems about death, heartbreak, suicide, the meaningless of existence. Songs that will literally make her slit her wrists. And death certificates to commemorate that special occasion. Or maybe you hate your husband and want a divorce but Christmas just doesn’t seem like the right time to bring it up. Well, look no further than Track 12 on songs recorded on a corrupt device. It’s called sorrow, and when you play it for him while drinking eggnog around the fire on Christmas Eve, he’ll know exactly what you’re getting at. But what about the kids?

Listen, I know you don’t realize this, but your unhappy marriage has turned your kids into emo goth types that fantasize about shooting up their school every time they’re high on Fentanyl. Wouldn’t you rather they be preoccupied with something more meaningful before slipping into a coma? Of course you would. Because you love them. And the something more meaningful that your kids need this holiday season is the album shut up and play, so they can put Track 10 on repeat while working up the nerve to kill themselves. It’s called an orange set of red and they will absolutely love how miserable it makes them feel.

But Keye, I have no family of any kind, and the only thing in my life is my career, so the only people I need to shop for are co-workers, what should I do? Wow, that’s tough, but listen, we both know how sick and tired you get of hearing those shiny assholes talk about their wonderful families and exciting plans this time of year, while you look forward to drinking yourself into oblivion in a drafty one bedroom apartment, listening to the same Christmas playlist that made you cry last year, and wondering if there’s still a chance of meeting that special someone. Look, I’ve got news for you: Special people don’t exist and there’s no better proof of that than the idiots you work with. What those assholes need is a gift from The Keye Store — music, poems, stories, maybe even a death certificate. That’s right, The Keye Store not only sells death certificates that celebrate the passing of people we’re all better off without, we also sell them for the living: Each certificate comes complete with their full name, future cause of death, the all-important future date of demise, and my signature as proof that their thrilling departure will come to pass as indicated. Honestly, anything will do for these people, because every gift from The Keye Store is guaranteed to ruin their happy fucking holiday celebration.

Is your boss an unfriendly man-hating feminist that holds meetings about scheduling future meetings and dresses like a dude? Then buy her the album things i made up to annoy my (ex)girlfriend. When she hears barefoot and pregnant, she’ll fire your fucking ass on the spot. And then you’ll be happy. Do you have a secretary that’s always flirting with you and just wish she would stop dressing like that in the office? Buy her the collection in places where quiet is too much so she can read anesthesia. She’ll think you’re a fucking rapist. Problem solved. Maybe. Is there a guy in the office with a crush on you? Buy him you should never write poems for women — the first thing he’ll see in that collection is a box of candy, the greatest love poem ever written, and nothing makes a man run faster than a woman that says she loves him. Is your boss an order-following beta male committed to ensuring a safe and diverse workplace environment? Then buy him some of it’s only in your head and suggest that he read ethos. His therapist will love you for it.

Today in America is Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year. In honor of this momentous occasion, The Keye Store is offering 10% off all purchases for a limited time only. Just use the discount code IHATEMYSELF at checkout. Together, we can fuck up the holidays for everyone.